woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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