We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
