Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
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Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
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Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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