theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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