I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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