I wish I could teleport
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
