So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
