I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
