My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
