everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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