i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
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So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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