I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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