just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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