Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
