Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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