If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
