Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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