mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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