im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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