I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
that's an acceptable place to lick
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
