So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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