I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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