I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
