I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
