i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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