i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
