By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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