Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
