i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i love accidental penises.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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