I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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