That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
