I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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