Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Randomize
