Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
