so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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