Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
