I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
