My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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