i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
