You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
why do cheetos always look like penises
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
