And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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