worst night to have a conscience
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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