After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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