i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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