Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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