I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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