tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
