There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
