theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
