we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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