We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
