I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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