he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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