I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
