God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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