the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
