So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
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the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
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I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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