When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
